My Sunshine

you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray
you do not know dear
how much i love you
please don't take my sunshine away

you are my sunshine
but you left
you left to follow your dreams
you left me here in gray skies

i'm sorry
i didn't mean to let you go
i really can't live without you
because you really are
my only sunshine

i pretended i didn't need you
i thought i didn't
but i catch myself
talking aloud
pretending it's you

and i want to do is fly to london , tell you I'm sorry tell you that I fucked up, that all i have ever wanted is you. I can't stop thinking about you. Every man i pretend is you, Everyday i stare at my phone hoping you'll call but you won't.

so i'll get a tattoo
of a sun
to pretend you will always be with me
even when you aren't.

because right now I'm living in this fantasy
in my mind
we'll get back together
you'll love me again
we'll be happy
just like i planned

but that's so fucked up
because you aren't coming back
but you will forever be
my sunshine

Invisible

Have you ever felt
invisible
like everything you do
goes completely unseen

like when you look at him
and he sees you
but doesn't seem to care
like he wishes you were just
invisible

Only when he doesn't want to sleep with you
when he does
oh baby
he sees you

but then you go back to being
invisible
waiting to be seen
waiting to be cared about
but that will never happen
because you will always be
invisible

Crazy
Ridiculous
Stupid
These are all words that come out
when i think about you.

I have no desire to be in love
no desire to wake up to you
no desire to be anywhere near you.

but i love you
i want to wake up to you
every bone in my body
aches to be near you
call me crazy

you don't feel the same way
not even close
but i can't help but fall
head over heels for you
call me crazy

crazy
ridiculous
stupid
but i can't help it
you are amazing
and i love loving you
call me crazy

Wasteland

I am a whore
you are a fool
we are all nothing more than
fools and whores

We can barely see the sun
through this wasteland
of used condoms
of broken hearts
of drug needles
of burnt out joints
of empty liquor bottles
of everything we need
of everything we crave

fools
whores
sad hearts
nothing more
nothing extraordinary
nothing worthwhile

but we are all content
with our wasteland
with our stupidity
with our emotionless existence
we crave nothing more

So sleep with one more guy
smoke one more joint
finish that bottle
justify it in your mind


everyone else is doing it.

Anywhere you are

Put me on a plane
fly me to anywhere
anywhere you are

I know i make mistakes
i know i don't deserve you
i don't deserve your trust
i don't deserve your love
but after all this time
after all the fights
after all te heartbreak
you are still here
i'm still here
and i don't know why.

So i hop on a plane
to where you are
because every part of me
yearns to be with you
that's why i don't give up
that's why i keep fighting

Put me on a plane
to anywhere
anywhere you are.

birthday boys

You don't seem innocent to me
even though you are
your kisses are sweet
i want so much more
but i can't have it
you are such a tease
i get a little taste
'because it's my birthday'
god i love birthdays

its my birthday
he wants me
i already tasted the boy i want
but the lines are starting to blur
time for a boy
that wants me back
hours pass
i wake up
cuddling
with the boy
i used to love
god i love birthdays

now its back to the ordinary
back to being alone
back to wanting
back to the memories
of my birthday boys

My Own Happy Ending

I wish I could read you
like I read my books
understand exactly what lies
between the lines.

i wish i could understand you
like i understand music
it's the gateway to my soul
always knowing the words i need to hear

I wish we could play out like a movie
predictable
and happy endings
easy to deal with
we could always rewrite the ending


But for some crazy reason
you aren't like a book
you don't know me like my music
and we aren't predictable
but it's still beautiful
the way i look into your eyes
and know what you are thinking
and when you say the words
i love you
that's exactly what I need to hear.
and when you hold me
you feel like my happy ending

that's me

the girl that wants
the girl thats needs
that's me
the girl that can't help
falling for the bad boys
that's me
the girl that strives to be better
but always fails
that's me
the girl that trys to hard
to be something else
that's me
the girl who wishes at 11:11
then crys herself to sleep
that's me
someday things will get better
until then
all i can be is
me

she loves everybody

this is to all the boys
that were in my life
that left.

this is to the boy
that didn't give me enough time
this is to the boy
who used me
this is to the boy
who wouldn't let me in
this is to the boy
i tried way to hard to get
this is to the boy
who loves jack's mannequin
this is to the boy
who was to young
this is to the boy
who i wanted to be his mrs.
this is to the boy
who fell for me way to fast
this is to the boy
who was two quiet
this is to the boy
i didn't even care about
this is to the boy
that i used
this is to the boy
who made me the maddest
this is to the boy
who was my secret
this is to the boy
who cheated on me
this is to the boy
i cheated on
this is to the boy
who was my first
this is to the boy
who i loved

this is to the boys
who made my life
miserable
wonderful
complicated
exciting

It might seem
that you are insignificant
but I remember every single one
every single one that hurt
every single one that smiled
every single one

you helped
shape me
to be the person I am
so even if you are no longer
in my life
thank you
for the memories

Vacation

I want to leave
I need to get away
I need to find something
To live for.

So baby let’s take a vacation
Just me and you
Let’s get in the car
And just drive
Light up some cigs
And forget everything.

It’s like our own holiday from real
Watching the sunrise with you
Our bodies entangled
Beautiful
No problems
Let’s just relax

God damn when will this end
No smiles
No laughter
No love
Nothing
Everything is gray
Nothing to live for
Where am I supposed to go?

I fight
Everyday
For a better tomorrow
But no matter what
Or how hard I try
It doesn’t get better
I feel hopeless
The color has left my life.

I tell myself
It’s going to get better
But it hasn’t
It’s been six months
Since he left
And I can’t see myself with anyone else
So I’m alone.
Work sucks
Day to day
Same old thing
Bad pay
Drama
Fuck this
I just want to do what I love.

The only thing that gets me through
Is this pen and paper
And that someday
My world will have color.

Blood

Red
Thick
Sticky
Painful
Hurt
Control
Blood
Release

That's why it happens
I need control
I desire for it
So I take the blade
and with one swift movement

thick
painful
red
sticky
hurt
control
release

dripping from my arm
i need to feel this release

you judge me
you tell me it's wrong
that I need help
but I don't believe I do
it's harmless
and if you left me alone
I ouldn't feel this overwelming guilt
that I just disappointed everyone
but you can fuck off
because you don't know
what i'm going through

So I'll continue
blade in hand
breath swift
red
sticky
painful
hurt
control
a final release.

Rainbow

Dear Sister,
I am so scared for you
You have seemed to have lost your way
I have no idea who you are
I want my little sister back.

But I know what you are going through
Even though you think I don’t
I know what it’s like
Thinking the rainbow will never come
That it will rain forever
I know you feel hopeless
Like you have failed
At such a young age

But please, don’t give up
Please don’t lose hope
You are worth so much more
Then the life you lead
It will get better
It will stop raining
The sun will come out
The rainbow will stay
Just fight
Don’t give up
Most of all, I love you
-your big sister

Questioning

Sometimes I question life, why is it exactly what it is? full of questions

Why did he leave me?
Why am I not good enough for him?
Was I not pretty enough?

But it's not all about love. Life is full of other questions of equal importance.

Is there a god?
Is there any importance to anything?
Why is the sky blue?
Why do people have to die?

But there will never be a definate answer to these questions. And instead of questioning all the time maybe we should find the joy in the answers we do have. like the fact you lived one second more. or the fact that someone loves you whether its your family, yours friends, or your pet. live each day to the fullest and don't worry about things out of your control.

Silence

the silence is killing me
someone bang on some pans
break something
anything
just make noise
i can't stand this silence

because the silence makes me think
think about the world
think about my life
i want to be desensitized
like the rest of the world
I don’t want to care

busy
busy
busy
don’t stop and think
don’t pay attention to the silence
just keep going
please
make some noise
and drown out the silence

Smile

hey, you there
smile like you mean it
because despite the fact
you are alone
you work a deadend job
you are flunking out of school
you still have something to live for
you can live for the fact
you know who you are
you have a job
you have the desire to become better.

It's hard out there
facing the world alone
but everyday
you become a little better at it
one day
you'll find someone to face it with you
you'll have your dream job
you'll be done with school.
when that day comes
you'll smile
and think about the day
you only hoped your dreams would come true

Misfortune

this is for the hypocrisy in America
misfortune isn't breaking a nail
or not having a boyfriend
or even having a hard time paying your bills

its not having enough food
its not knowing if you are going to live tomorrow
its having your son taken away from you
to fight a war you don't agree on
to be one of many wives
to watch your children die
that's misfortune

but we don't know about that,
because we are to busy watching american idol
we are to busy smoking weed
we are in our western world box
that we can't see out of

i'm not saying give up your life
just appreicate it.

Insanity

Do you know what insanity is?
I'll tell you

Insanity is this idea
that the poor are going to get richer
and the rich will get poorer
that our problems can be fixed by one man
that all we have to do is complain
get your lazy ass of the couch
and do something
anything
don't blame Obama or Bush for our problems
the problems started with us
leaving other people
to do our dirty work
our problems aren't because of the government
its because of the control we let our government have
Our problems aren't going to end with Obama
Our problems will end
when the insanity ends
and we learn to spend our money
to save our money
to not let society run us
make your own decisions
do something
think for yourself.

Memory

Here is my favorite memory:

Remember when I first told you that I wanted to be with you, and that I wanted to be with you since the day I saw you. But I thought you didn't care for me so I just pretended that everything was normal and then one day I just couldn't take it anymore and just told you, "hey I like you a lot, just thought you should know." And we ended up falling in love. Remember that?

Oh yeah,
you don't
because this never happened
because I'm to scared
to tell you how I really feel
god, i wish you could figure it out
because it's so hard
to be just friends
because you are so awesome
and wonderful
and we are perfect together
open your eyes
see what we could be?
what memories we could have?

breathe again

Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale
think
just breathe
everything will be alright
don't pay attention to the things
going on around you
just focus on breathing

I can't believe, he would do that, just leave. Without a reason or explanation. He just said "I'm going my own way." Follow him. No, He wants to do it by himself. Years of devotion, fuck that. Time obviously meas nothing at all. He says "I will always love you." bullshit. then don't leave. He has too. He needs to. So he does and you are stuck here, all by yourself.

Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale
breathe again
it will all be over soon
forget
just forget about the world
don't think
just breathe
everything will be fine.

Drive

Drive faster
faster
faster
don't slow down
don't stop
don't look back
just drive faster


Then maybe forget,
everything behind you
you can forget about him
you can go to some different place
and pretend he never existed
you don't have to live your mistakes
the reasons why he left you.
you deserved it
you really did
and now you are paying for you mistakes


turn the stereo up
[It's to a girl who got into my head, With all the fucked up things I did]
drown out the world
you've changed
you won't make the same mistakes twice
[hopefully]
forget about the past
live for today
and Drive

Innocence

why do we put so much emphasis on being innocent? It shouldn't be about if we are pure enough, it should about who we are, what we stand for. Who gives a fuck if we had sex our not. If we haven't, big deal, if we have, who gives a fuck? why do we follow stupid religious standards? that's stupid and unintelligent. sex should be about love in the first place, it should be roses and candles anyway. be in love, have sex, enjoy it, don't feel guilty. Be happy, live your life to the fullest.

heaven

I heard once in a song heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you touch him and you feel alive. and that's the way I feel about you
when we touch I feel like that's where I am supposed to be. I'm not sure heaven exists, this perfect place where no one dies and no one feels pain, but even if we don't go anywhere when we die I'll be fine because I had you, maybe just one moment, but isn't that the same idea? Because in that one moment no one dies, no one feels pain, we are just sitting here watching the sunrise, bodies intertwined, yes the streets may not be paved with gold but I don't need that. I don't need a savior i just want this moment to last forever. love is real, just as real as pain. love is the heaven of emotions pain is the hell. So take me to the place, where it's just me and you. because I love you.

Break Away

This town doesn't give a damn

about me

these broken legs won't let me walk away

from a town that couldn't give a shit either way

They don't care

if I make it or not

so I have to run away

far far away

I need to get behind the wheel

and drive

because I need to find out who I am

I need to break away from the ordinary

to see if I am really something

or if I'm just like everyone else

in this town

on the fast track to nowhere

boring, ordinary, irrelevent

Seeking Solace

You left me, you said I wasn't good enough, everything I have been working for is gone, just like you.

So give me a pack of cigarettes and I'll get behind the wheel and drive far far away. To a place where I find solace , a peaceful quiet place that is just for me. I'll stay up all night and watch the sunrise. I'll pretend all my problems will go away. I'll just drive and disappear just like you did. Never to return.

Dark

Turn out the lights baby
make it dark
make it to where all you can see
is the shape of me.

I like the dark
because I become fearless
someone free
someone who doesn't care what other people think

But you are the lucky one my love
because in the dark
I will show you just how much
I want you

lights off
clothes off
bodies touching
oh baby i love the dark.

Light

Red Lights, Blue lights, Purple, Pink, and Green lights
Covering the dance floor. Dance Dance, Dance away your problems. You have a few hours where you can pretend that nothing matters. You can dance, you can flirt, you can feel like a beautiful lioness. But when you walk outside that will all change.

Because outside the dance club, the light is unmasked.It just solid light, it doesn't hide your problems. In this light you have to worry about your figure, your money, your education, your heart, and for some reason other people's problems too. It would be so much easier if you just stayed on the dance floor. Avoid your problems forever. but you can't. you have to deal with all the shit in the world you didn't even start. You have to worry about the economy, the environment, and whatever else they want to feed us. And you just have to put up with all of it.

But be brave, because even though life isn't the dance floor, there is hope. There is still love. There is still compassion. There is still the need to fight on despite the feeling of hopelessness in the world. So cheer up, stand in the light and bask in it's glory

Love

love note after love note. poem after poem. song after song. everything makes me think of you. The way the wind blows. You have no idea that I even have feelings for you, let alone get butterflies when you speak. I don't know if this is love. Because I don't even really know what love is. But if I did, and I was capable of feeling it. (Which I am not so sure I am) I cold almost guarantee that I would feel it for you. Because I feel everything when I am with you. When you touch me, my skin burns with desire. Your smell brings beautiful memories to my mind. When you are close to me and I hear you breathe, I feel protected and peaceful. When I taste your lips, it tastes so sweet I never want to pull away. And when I see you close to me, I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Right here with you, because minus the labels "in love" "boyfriend/girlfriend" or "facebook official" I know this is where I should be, where I feel special.

Introduction

Bonjour, hola, chow, hello. My name is irrelevant because it doesn't make me who I am. But there are things I can tell you.
I am a dreamer
I am a lover
I am driven
I am constantly changing
It's not that I'm constantly changing, it's that I don't know who I want to end up being so I change. It's crazy I know. but sometimes life doesn't make sense sometimes its this crazy messed up thing. the problem is people don't take time to enjoy any of it. we sit around trying to get thin but thats not working I'm still gaining weight. we want to find that perfect someone, but what if its not he perfect right someone? this is crazy I have no idea why I am writing this about myself, trying to give you and introduction that seems irrelevant but maybe
I am the one who is irrevenlent.
maybe things would go on just fine without me. Maybe thy wouldn't. all I can do is try.

Bonjour, hola, chow, hello. Let me introduce myself, I am irrelevant.

History

Just one more sip
and the bottle will be gone
and hopefully so will the memories
the memories of us
being in love
kissing under the stars
talking till the sun comes up
we were supposed to lost forever
we were made for each other
we were so in love
i thought you were the one.

But that is all history
it is in the past
because you are gone
you left me here
to fend for myself
after all this time
you just gave up
now you are history.

Now i'm going to be strong
because i've got my future
and even though it's hard
i'll go on without you
i'll be fine
i'll fall in love again
and even if i don't
it will be okay
because at the end of the day
i will always be me
and i'll continue to be true to myself
cause i don't live in the past
and you are history

Fascination

I am fascinated by you
it's crazy
when you talk
it's like the earth stands still
the way you think
the way you breathe
it fascinates me
you say you can't love me
that you can't even love yourself
but I don't care
because being close to you is enough
the way you hold me
instead of just using me
it fascinates me
When I am with you
I feel like everything will be alright
because when I see you
I know there are still real people in this world
because you are so genuine
you make me feel free
because nothing I feel is wrong.
so i'll let it out
all my feelings:
you are amazing
you are intelligent
you are sexy
you are wanted
you are genuine
you fascinate me.
I can't believe I fell for you
we are exact opposites
But I guess opposites attract.

So finishing this pouring out of my soul
I have one more thing to say
I can't believe you don't love yourself
because frankly
you are the most lovable man I have ever met
And that is why you are my fascination

With Every Mile

I'm just trying to get out of here,
I'm trading these sunsets for sunrises,
I'm trading these pines and oaks for palm trees.
I'm trying to do exactly what you told me,
I'm trying to make it on my own
With every mile I travel
I'll drop a pieces of this broken heart
So that maybe one day
You'll follow the pieces
Back to me.
But if you don't
I'll be okay
The sunrises and palm trees will keep me company
I'll tell them of this broken heart
And why I ran away from the sunsets and the oaks
Because they didn't make me happy
I felt like it was a prison
But with every mile I travel
I'm breaking the chains
And becoming free
To live the way I want to
And to finally be truly happy.

Chasing Butterflies

Charming
The way you smile when you say something sarcastic.
Mysterious
I can never guess what you are doing or what you are thinking
Intelligent
Everytime I you speak I fall for you even more.
Sexy
I can't even describe what happens when you are around and I close my eyes.

It feels like I am chasing butterflies, free, beautiful,and wonderful. You don't even know how you make me feel. When you are around I feel calm, I bask in the moments I spend with you. I want you, but I am scared to tell you, because who knows what would happen? But as much as I want you I can't have you. Just like a butterfly, if I catch you you will no longer be free, beautiful, and wonderful. So I keep my feelings away from the surface, so that I can be around you so I can experience your charming smile, to hear your voice, to always guess what is coming next, but most of all I want to be around you so I can close my eyes and think of my fantasy, free beautiful, and wonderful.

A Love Story

You stole my heart
no
I gave it to you
because when I looked at you
it made my heart fly
you made me feel like a person
you made me smile
you made me laugh
you are wonderful
you are my world
as we sat and watched the sunset
I hoped that it would never end
that you would be mine forever
and I yours
it's perfect
you and I
were made to be together
I don't want a prince
I don't want to the princess
I'm fine with just sitting here
in jeans and t-shirt
with you
holding me
making my soul warm
i love you

It's funny
I thought you were different
you acted different
you talked different
you treated me different
but in the end
you weren't different at all
you left

I sat by the phone
waiting
but you never called
I guess you didn't feel the same
You didn't feel the butterflies
I still try
I want you so bad
I'll forget
I will do whatever you want
please love me
please
don't leave
stay
let me show you
how much I love you.

You stayed a little bit
of course
you are a guy
you want proof
I gave you proof
but after
you still left

I guess I wasn't good enough
I wish I was
I stay up all night
thinking about what I could have done different
what I could have done to get you to stay
I guess I just wasn't good enough
to keep you
because you will leave
no matter what I do.
just like the others
but you meant so much more
then all of them
I'd trade all of them
for you
but it doesn't matter
because I wasn't good enough
so leave
but remember
i love you

Scared

I'm scared
that I won't ever love again
that I made the wrong decision to leave
that loving you was what I was born to do
that when I leave you'll forget
that you'll pretend I never existed
that you'll move on
that you'll have the life I always dreamed about
that you'll be happy and I won't be
that I am not skinny enough
that I am not pretty enough
that I am inadequate
I'm scared that I'm not good enough.

So play on my insecurities
tell me that I am beautiful
tell me that you love me
tell me that you miss me
tell me you want me back
tell me that you want to hold me
tell me there is no one else
tell me no one is more important then me.

Then you'll get what you want
then you'll use me
then you'll lose me
then you'll pretend nothing ever happened
that I am just a footnote in a chapter of many women.

Be Mine

"Be Mine"

It was crazy,

most people say

you fall in love first

then you touch.

But love is a crazy thing

sometimes it doesn’t work like that

sometimes when you touch

you melt

and you just realize

you were never meant to be with anyone else but them.

That’s what happened with me and you

it happened way to fast

I told myself to hesitate and put my guard on.

but it didn’t happen

and now I’m yours.

Now I find myself

going crazy over you

and how much

I want you to fall for me

just has hard as I have fallen for you.

so come dance with me

be mine

because I’m yours.